October 20, 2014: Traveling back from L.A. this morning, the air was smooth as glass. Until we descended in to Seattle, where we hit some extreme turbulence. Dude next to me was fast asleep. Startled him so much that he threw his arms in the air and grabbed the first solid thing in the vicinity, which happened to be my left breast. The horrified look on his face was amusing, so I winked at him and said, “Nice to meet you.” What a delightful way to start the day.
Category: Just for fun!
Bear spray
August 5, 2014: Telling my mom about the bear spray I purchased from Amazon. Size of a fire extinguisher, and I’m supposed to holster that to my hip? She asked if I was going to bring it. I said, “I don’t think so. The guides are packing guns. It’s their job to take care of these kinds of things.” Her response? “Maybe it’s their JOB to make it look like they did the best they could.”
She continues … “Take the bear spray, moron.” My mom cracks me up.
Horseplay
August 4, 2014: I’m always on a diet. I am going horseback riding in Glacier National Park. And one of the facts you must enter on the reservation form is your weight. These things may seem unrelated, however, I was reminded tonight that when I signed up for my trip six months ago, rather than my ACTUAL weight, I entered my goal weight. Seemed like terrific incentive at the time. Less so, now that I’m going to have to admit … “Uhhhh … I’m gonna need a bigger horse.”
Shop Vac
June 8, 2014: I recently went to an auction where I went head to head with a woman, fiercely bidding on a shop vac. It later occurred to me that this may have revealed a slight character flaw where I was willing to totally throw down with a 60 year old woman, just because I might be just the tiniest bit competitive. I came home with this shop vac, and thought, “WTF?” Well, that was then. I used it for the first time today, and I am completely flummoxed as to how I went 51 years without one! I will NEVER remove a spider web by hand again! I mulched, I vac’d, I was BAD ASS, in a way I have never been before. I love my shop vac
Sons
October 10, 2013: Having a son is different than having a daughter, I think. I called my mom earlier tonight, and we had a thirty-minute conversation about everything from where to meet for next week’s Fifth Avenue production to what time she’s picking up Isabelle tonight (and everything in between). I called my son just now, and said, “Hi!” He said “Hey!”. I said, “Wanna meet for Mexican tomorrow night?” And he said, “Yeah”. So I said, “You workin’?” And he said, “Yeah.” I said, “we’ll talk tomorrow about the time and place.” He said, “Cool.” I said, “Okay, talk to you tomorrow!” He said, “Okay! Later …” The end. I swear to God. MAYBE 20 seconds. Sigh …
Seventy Lemons
June 26, 2013, Kauai: “Call for directions”, our voucher said. My sister calls … brow furrowed … totally focused. Because we were already slightly late due to an emergency stop at Starbucks, it was imperative she caught every word. After disconnecting, she turns to me and says, “Look for the Shell Station and The Seventy Lemons convenience store. We’ll turn left there.” Me … “Uhhhh … Do you mean 7-11?” The look on her face was priceless. Moral of the story? There is never enough caffeine.
Sock it to me
May 7, 2013: Had a typical conversation with my sister on the way to work this morning. Amy: “Shoot … one of my socks is longer than the other. That’s gonna feel weird.” Me: “Why don’t you put on another pair?” Amy: “Because then I’d have to find the other set that has one longer than the other.” Me: “You could just pick some other pair.” Amy: “In five minutes or so, I’ll be used to it and it won’t matter.” Me: “Alright.” Amy: “Damn! I think my shirt is on backwards.” <Sound of shuffling.> “No, I guess it’s just too tight.” Izzy: “THEN DON’T WEAR IT!” Sister, I love your quirky self.
Oh, gnats.
March 26, 2013: cycling briskly in to a gnat swarm with a broad grin is less than pleasant, and not at all recommended.
Memories of a Landing Strip
Okay. It’s been a while. I am preparing for the Danskin triathlon, so my recent training regimen requires that I don a swimming suit. Let’s face it. There’s only so much you can “tuck away”, particularly for us brunettes. I had a nail appointment this afternoon, and I entered the salon feeling in a somewhat spunky mood. I selected a glossy blue polish for my toes, rather than my typical red or pink. At this point, I am feeling so out there. I think, “hmmm … while I’m here”… This was my first mistake. As my nail technician files, I say, “Hey Jenny … got time for a bikini wax?” Yes! She does. So after the fingernails, but before the toes, we enter her lair. This is always slightly uncomfortable. She hands me this small package, and tells me to change. She leaves. I shake out the thing, and it’s a small postage stamp of fabric with a coil of elastic strung from it. Sort of like a thong for Barbie. Well … alright. So I put it on, lie down, and cover myself with the sheet she also provided.
The employees of this particular establishment are Vietnamese, so most of the time I can’t understand what the heck they’re saying. They giggle a lot. And that’s when they’re only working on people’s nails. So two of them come in to the room, wielding scissors. What the hell?! They yank off the sheet and go to town. They are doing their very best Edward Scissorhands impersonation, and I can only hope they’re not crafting a topiary down there. I give Jenny a horror-struck look, and she says (with her heavy Vietnamese accent), “Need haircut first.” Dear God. I remind them, “bikini wax only, yes?”. They smile, nod, and giggle. The waxing starts. It’s a tag team … wax, press, rip. Ouch. Wax, press, rip. Ouch. They’re getting mighty close to my nether regions, so I mention again, “bikini wax only, yes?”. They smile, nod, and giggle. Crap. Do they understand what I’m saying?! Wax, press, rip. OUCH!! Jesus, I have never worn a bikini that requires that much exposure. Where do they think I’m from?! Brazil??? “BIKINI WAX ONLY, YES?”. But by now, it’s far too late. Whatever is going to happen, has happened. I lay my head back in resignation as they wax, press, rip, OUCH! needle tweeze, OUCH!
Finally, they’re done. They leave the torture chamber, and I wearily rise to my feet and gaze in to the mirror. Oh, no. This is not good. I am left with a prepubescent patch of turf approximately the size of a quarter. Made “The Landing Strip” look like a verdant forest. But whaddya do? I can’t exactly glue it back on. Sigh …
So I dress and walk out of the room feeling like I either need to buy the ladies dinner, or smoke a cigarette. Next time, my attire will include granny pants and a chastity belt.
15 fun facts that helped me to lose the game of “I Have Never …”
1) I once owned a share in a racehorse.
2) I stood at the top of Half Dome in Yosemite. After walking 35 miles to get to it.
3) I had Bell’s Palsy when I was 27, so I have a crooked smile. Asymmetry rocks.
4) I have had a near-death experience.
5) I have jumped out of a perfectly good airplane.
6) For a not-very-athletic person, I’ve done a lot of physical challenges …
…Breast cancer three-day … twice
…Sprint distance triathlons … three times
… 1/2 marathons … eight times
…STP bike ride … once
…Mud run … once
7) The second and third toes on both my feet are stuck together. It did not make me a better swimmer.
8) I rode my bicycle from Seattle to Portland in two days.
9) I got a job once by complimenting the hiring manager on her shorthand. Twenty-four years and seven jobs later, she’s still one of my best friends.
10) I literally got “voted off the island” when I was 16.
11) I have an “Irish Twin”. My younger sister is four days less than a year younger than me.
12) I plan to celebrate my 50th birthday by going to Phuket next year. With my Irish twin.
13) My older sister and I still buy each other rock concert tickets for each other’s birthday every year.
14) I drove around the Grand Circle in Utah with three of my good friends in five days (over 1,000 miles). We’re still good friends.
15) I’ve had three different, wonderful careers. And the second two happened by accident.