I was thirteen years old when a blue-eyed boy with golden curls stole from me what should have been mine to give. He was nineteen years old.
There wasn’t any remorse. In fact, he tried again. But that time, I saw him coming. I fought, and he wasn’t able to hurt me a second time. I didn’t tell anyone what happened, not a soul, for a very long time. When I did tell, I didn’t find relief. And I didn’t talk about it again for many, many years. It is a scar that is deep, and it is ugly. It will always be a part of me.
#MeToo is important. The abuse of power needs to stop. But #MeToo is a double-edged sword. Every time I see those words, I physically recoil. A gut punch. I am a member of a sisterhood that I don’t want to be a part of. I wish the sisterhood didn’t exist. What I appreciate about the message, though, is that it is growing. It’s loud. Insistent. It’s not hidden behind fear. Perhaps the next person in power will understand that he could lose that power, lose everything, if it is leveraged to manipulate.
I Googled the blue-eyed boy a few years ago. He died in a motor vehicle accident on February 4, 1996. I’m not proud to say I felt no sorrow. He was a bad guy. More anger than I wanted to hold on to had accumulated over the years. “He got what was coming to him”, I thought. “He won’t hurt anyone again.” I’m not proud of that response, either. The innocent girl I was would have possessed more compassion. But the innocence? He took that from me, too.
#MeToo
Years ago when you and I talked of many things, I did not know about this. I’m very sad that it happened to you. Here’s a hug from someone who loves your happy spirit and cheers you for being strong in yourself.
Thanks, Denise, and yes … I just didn’t talk about it. It is very freeing to do so now.
Thank you for sharing your story Deborah! You are a brave woman and I can really see growth and healing happening for you! There are definitely a lot of sick people out there in this world. Unfortunately, many of them are not exposed due to the victim’s trauma, shame and low self-esteem caused by the incident(s). I know we are moving through this type of healing process together and in the long run we will come out of this so much better. I applaud your courage and strength and the pursuit of your passions. I have heard that writing can be very cathartic and you have a great gift for it. So proud of you my sister from another mother!
Thank you so much, Heather. Funny you should use the word cathartic. That’s precisely how I felt as the words tumbled out. In an earlier post, I wrote “emotions churn and churn until I’ve released them to the page” and that was exactly what happened here. All of a sudden, this memory doesn’t feel so heavy.
I don’t mince words, and cannot pretend to save my life. So I can easily and unapologetically say this is one of those cases where “better off dead” totally applies for that despicable and disgusting excuse for a human being. On the exact opposite end of the scale is someone like you who after enduring such horrible things, uses her voice to support others who experienced similar situations and encourage them to push forward and to stand up for themselves. You are impactful in soooo many ways. 💟