Alone

I’ve been single for eight years. Up until I decided to spend some time alone, I chose the wrong men. Unavailable men. Selfish men. Cruel men. Over and over, I made bad decisions. Until the day I decided I was incapable of making a good one. So I chose to be alone.

Achingly alone.

Since that day, I’ve lived life fast and hard. I go out too much, spend too much, drink too much. I run. Like I still have the fire and frenetic energy of the fourteen-year old runaway I once was. Like I’m being chased by a predator. If I stop, if I breathe, I feel. So I keep running.

Last night, I saw a photo of an infinity pool overlooking a beach, with two beers in a bucket in the foreground. The photo shattered me for what it implied. Two people will share that view of the beach. Two people will meld their bodies and drink a beer together. Two people. The image triggered the kind of deep, empty sadness that makes it hard to breathe.

I’ve been thinking a lot about solitude; what it feels like to be solely responsible for every household or life decision, every hardship, and every joy. To feel the vacuum of a joke without an audience. Does a solitary path still feel solid under my feet? The walls I have built to protect myself have become a prison, and I’m starting to believe they no longer serve me. I can’t run fast enough to escape my history. There are remnants of my past that push the notion that I am not good enough, or pretty enough, or worthy of a healthy relationship. It’s hard work to counter those thoughts. But I’m trying.

This time of year is predictably more difficult than the long, warm days of summer. For me, the expansive hours of darkness feel oppressive, and the loneliness cuts deep. I have no need to be rescued. For years, I’ve proven to myself that I am strong and capable. But I feel a growing yearning to share my life, to share adventures. And tell someone my damn jokes. My resolve is softening; my commitment to living a solo life is slowly crumbling. There are good men out there. Kind men. Compassionate, ethical, honest men. I know there are, because I know some of them.

These thoughts scare me. A lot. So … baby steps. Beginning with saying out loud what my heart has been whispering. To quote Forrest Gump, “And just like that, my runnin’ days was over.”

18 thoughts on “Alone”

  1. I love you my dear. Your honesty, transparency, and authenticity. I am believing for you to meet the one who is a perfect match for you. Beverly and I miss you! You will always have a place to stay if you ever decide to come visit.
    .

  2. Your strength of doing all you have done and accomplished “alone” (alone = dozens of close friends and the best damn family out there) will help you make the right decision on finding a good, kind and above all, adventurous man. He’s out there – he’s been waiting for you to become the person you are now. Fiercely independent, hysterical, travel addicted, gorgeous, whip smart. If he’s the right man, these are the things he is seeking.

    1. You know me well, Catherine! A sense of adventure is high on my list of important qualities. Love you, cuz! ❤️

  3. You’re a catch Deb and don’t believe anything else! Before I met Cori I couldn’t seem to choose a decent man. So I chose a woman who treats me like gold. Lol

  4. What a great, new adventure to embark on! You are awesome and if you allow it to happen I am absolutely certain that your match is out there just waiting to find you. You are amazing and inspiring.

  5. Deb, this may be the most insightful blog yet! I know there are good men still running who are looking for a reason to stop. When they find you, I’m certain they’ll hit the brakes – hard! When you find that person, take your time. Cultivate and nurture that friendship. If it is meant to be it will blossom into the caring and loving relationship you both deserve. The best enduring relationship starts as friendship that grows into the long and happy lifelong adventure together you crave. Love, Dad

    1. Ah, dad. I love you. These are wonderful, wise words. Words that I will heed. The beautiful thing about coming to this place is that I am in no hurry. And friendship, knowing a person well, are so important. (ALL the seasons!) I’m so lucky you’re my dad.

  6. Yes! You are beautiful, fun and full of life! Any man would be lucky to have such a great person as you. You deserve…and will get the he best! But you need to be open to it. Keep on opening up sis!

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